Meaningless

the way you leave

I could be the way you leave
the whisper on the lack of breeze
in your life the lights
blink out
blink out
look up like a girl
waiting to find
that sudden meeting
does she ever stop waiting?
the unexpected
is hoped for
the way you leave
sun rising
washing over
slow
water glints in the mountains
far away from the wintry streets
where the cold hits like a stone
at the windows
already boarded up
because
what could you do to me now?
in this derelict home
in my head and a heart
that was is can be lost and broke
at the eleventh hour
who will take me home today?
tonight
at the end of the streetlight
when it pops out like
peas from a pod
a ghost
saying goodbye to the summer
goodbye
my love
goodbye
…
and you’re gone. 

obselete

catapulted forward
into a life i wanted
and there is you
my living nightmare
the flame that blew
flicker
making the ink spin
and the wax spill off
making my heart beat faster
as yours threatens silence
don’t
don’t run too hard
stay a while
see this new me
unveiled like some old furniture
which was always there underneath the sheets
but would not be noticed
until
and is this my time?
what happens after
when the noise dies down
and the crowd is there
waiting
somebody throws something
thorns
but they come from a rose
and so do I
so i won’t glare
or pretend ignorance
but i have no need
to hurl them back
when these i can use
to make me
a little more complete
they make him obselete
and i apologise
for how he got this sad
but it wasn’t me
it isn’t
my interest
lingers
elsewhere. 

Whisper

When the wind comes in
Whispering sin
I try to escape
Through the walls
with my fingers clasping fast
I am prey to your grasp

I cannot let myself
sink

The pull is a puddle
With stone on the ground to conceal
no deeper well
can spin so hard
and the hurry spins my head
your eyes
nothing spectacular
sparkle now
and run away
where are they now?
while the little boy
swaps with man
takes their place
takes your body
the way I
I don’t think about it
not
not one jot
not a tickle
not a whisper
lead me to your bedroom
tell me it means nothing
lie that body on me
and hold me tight
…
don’tsinkdon’tsink
this is the way it is
and nothing more
and nothing
could be more vague

she grins
she does not know
I know
to know you
no way

no
my heart is not yours
and
how do they do this now?
I cannot see
a sober kiss
it seems ridiculous
people don’t do that now
I’m sure
for that was for my younger years
when the wind whisper
would sing. 

suspense

my heart lives there
in a body i barely know
excitement
fear
hope
it races
against salmon in the mountains
against the maillot jaune
against the big cats in the plains
and wins
one could say
and one day
perhaps it will bloat
and pop
and deflate
settle slowly down
the way fish rise up when dead
to shift on the top of the water
that’ll be it
that’ll be all
a broken balloon on the water
me
out of my warm nutshell
but how can one know
without the going? 

time

the way it rolls around
fat
and hungry sometimes
it takes you by surprise
and you need it to
time…

seconds or hours?
they seem to stretch and bend as they please
laughing at us
or crying with us
it all depends
how heavy it’s feeling
that swing to and fro
and the glasses of wine it consumes
how many times it has to
push its glasses back
while you
consume and consume
you know
the way we do
and i
i might turn away
but my heart is saying
we should never have left that room
and maybe
we could have belonged together
that is
in another time. 

eye to eye

pulling myself away
again
you won’t mind
you don’t know
how could you?
as if my eyes didn’t tell enough
what do you meet them for?
cups of tea to
talk about my folly
those bragging whores
giving me away
they are not my father
and the truth is not theirs
but my beauty is
apparently
shame
registers with those two
the twins whose sin is to show
all slick with it
they give me away
like an auctioneer
to the weirdest bidder
until i
until i die
and then
they’ll watch
no more.

the perfect match

a box of matches
and in there
one
to light my candle
to let it burn
to tell me things
and soothe me to sleep
to burn my hands
to take me home
and on
and on
without the fear
of
screwingitallup
i could live
with this box forever
never opening it
or
never choosing
always waiting
deciding
decoding
i wish
he could just
slide on out
walk on up
kiss me on the lips
and i would know
just how it felt
to have a beating heart
i would feel
that hand on hand
stark naked heart
pumping in broad daylight
but so light
jumping
he could just walk up
and the wind would dance for us
butterflies nothing
just glittering in the sunlight
and when the stars came out
they would smile in us
yes
he could walk up
smile
hold me in his arms if he wanted
and i would not know
and i would back away
hands to the wall
or maybe
i would
die away
and dream it all again.

white lies & roses.

he lied to me
or bent the truth
told me why
and the lies became the way
he “never wanted it to be”
inside me
there is a question mark
curling up at my stomach
and sticking out and through
like barbed wire
i caved far too easily
i know
to you and him and them
but i didn’t know
how best to spend
the dull hours’ ticks
before the third call
he said
“would you like to fall in love one day”
no
he did not
that was
a lie
for my head to thrive in
and what is it
that calls
some undead longing
this eternal ghost of a rose
that keeps growing in place
again and again
and that
there is the lie
for the rose that grows
the same each time
must also die that way
but not I.

open heart surgery

Hand on heart
or rather
open chest
ribcage raw
insides pulled away
to reveal
what’s left
that sorry mess
that shriveled prune barely moving
and that’s what i’m here for
to find out
and
teach me how to love
with the gloves off
somebody?
all i can show
is this grim facade
in which i rip it all open again
just to see
just to see if it
just to see if it might
come to life
over and over i try
and bring it out
eyes closed
string it out and make it last
but always the same
this tiny thing
is not
cannot be
that part of me
the heart of me…

vertigo

a fear of falling
‘cause that is one loooong jump
into the fluffy carpet of lurve
before they whisk
it from your reach
and propel you to the spiky rocks below
yes, i have vertigo
and yet i love
those rollercoasters
that leave you hanging upside down
for hours on end
if you’re unlucky
i shy away
from those kinds of bars
where men will try it on
i don’t like to think
i could fall again
into that deception
into the unlies
and untruths
never really meant
but said with such conviction
who knows
who knows?
what will come
will come
and maybe one day
i will be pushed off that cliff
or jump
or let myself
fall.