Meaningless

Aug 29

tink

smiling doesn’t come easy to you
not right now
for whatever reason
your bones are heavy
your chest aches
aches with a knowledge
and longing
it’s been there for years
and sometimes
it’ll creep up
sidle on closer
and whisper in your ear
all the things you avoid telling yourself
but feel to be true
it swoops on in
like a raven
encouraging surrender
but refusing to lead by example
you know that you are vacant
but i know otherwise
i’ve seen you
hiding in there
small in the recess of your ribcage
shaking in fear and grief
maybe that’s not a comfort
and maybe that’s not enough
but there is a bright spark in you
that i still see
flickering faintly
and although you are small
in your long and willowed frame
you are no less lovely to me
i dream of a day
you will stand up and clap your hands
and see your light as strong as i can
and you’ll yell and rejoice
at the wonder of you
because i do believe in fairies
i do
i do.


Aug 28

rediscovery

i find you by the window
inching closer to the sill
pulling your arms through the gaps
where my mind sits still
under the arches and through
over the hills and far
we used to sit in your car
and wait for the tick tick to start
before we could rush away
and hide our love in the dark
i was not a waste to you
i was not a shame or a mistake
and now
now the leaves begin to break
they fell some time ago
dry like a pair of lips
left alone for far too long
i find you by the window
where my heart sat years past
yearning for the light to go out
but never reaching for the switch
because something told me i could be
an I again and something important to me
i followed that dream
and i left you behind
but i never forgot
that spark in my mind
and the way i just flowed
like ink from a pen
you know
one of those things we used to use
before the tap tap we make now
to communicate
but that’s a rarity
it’s okay though
because you saved me.


Jan 6

Mojo filler

impossible to say
her head spinning
her mind reeling
mouth taste metal
but what is she made of?
chalk dust and clouds?
smoke and shine
or muscle, spine
ghosts and an overcoat
over and over
and under the wind
where it’s so settled in
she can barely smell blood any more
but the memory is still
full taste metal mouth
and only gone on those good days
only back on the bad
5 years ago I was sad
5 years ago I was young
and when you’re young you get sad you get high
just like Ry said only stronger
longer
and he taught me how to love again
taught me how to
feel
first of all
Impossible
that’s what I used to say
“impossible” to say
now that world’s gone away.


Feb 10

speak back

vague daydreams
of you coming home
coming here
holding me
helping me
while i’m missing you
kissing me to sleep
whispers of love on your lips
and laughs
easing my soul
and untying this constant knot
today
maybe tomorrow
where you’ll be seas away
again and again and again
why can’t you stay
or make me feel safe
in the simplest of ways?
on the smallest of days
i will grow out my arms
and wrap me up
for want of you coming home
coming back
to a selfish girl
who hates to say what she feels
when it causes inconvenience
i hate to speak out loud
and quit that
contented silence
when underneath
i need to speak
beyond belief
to cancel out the grief..


Nov 4

Count down

I have to count up
count up to ten
every now and then I do
or wait until the clock ticks even out
so i can breathe again
and think clear
and not be seething
smoking through the teeth
and out the ears
cool off
count up
or down
feel the breeze
and feel at ease
even if I need to scream the house down
count
down
count the pieces of heart I have
not left, but right
all right and round and smooth
enough to soothe a burning rage
like a hole scorched right through
every single page of your favourite book
when you can no longer look back
or forward sometimes
without seeing your own hands
and wondering how to make them work
in ways that abandon the complete lack of faith
inherent in the faces
of the grave, cold stones
the ones that
you know
burn those holes, like ungrateful children
not seeing
not seeing
i breathe
i count to ten
and down again.

written 23/9


Nov 2

keep me sweet

you inspire poetry in me
music and colour
flowing like wine or water
and growing like fruits
still ripening
waiting for the ruin
praying for rain to hold
hold? or fold in
not to strain but to wash clean
and keep me sweet
colourful and bright
and peaceful at night.


Oct 31

pure and simple and true

love
like a flower on the brink
brink
brink of blooming
came crashing down on me
like a house with only one window
and my heart in that place
somehow survived
and its beat
beat
beat kept me alive
in all that rubble
with only me crumbling
me stumbling
and i did all this myself
i did it myself
and to myself
to fix the mess
that that fire caused
the interior damage
wallpaper scraped off
carpets blown away
i did this
created this new
safehouse
now gone
destroyed by your violent inflictions of hope
but i
now i
think i
i am no longer alone.


Oct 26

lovesongspeak

i think
honestly
that you and i were meant to be
everything endlessly
endlessly
as far out as the sea
lead me to you
and you to me
and I will keep you now
for as long as i can
to show my thanks
to whatever deity
sent you so carefully
so lovingly
impossibly
into these aching
these mistake making arms
and this arching heart
it was gone before
i didn’t understand
but now i do.
all along, it was with you.


Jul 19

nus eht semoc ereh

what it is
to not have you
a gaping hole in the ground
in my chest
where i can see the insides
hollow
shell
red raw
and not at all like before
 you’re like the sunrise, so rare
so beautiful and new and old
and never new at all
always around
just on the wrong side
to be without you
is to be with you
because I am still alone
yes
we are alone
and together
trapped side by side in our shells
but what if i
roll on over
open up
this one
to you
slowly
piece by piece
cell by cell
unlock my cell
open up my shell
and let you see
the emptiness? ……….
not that there is nothing inside me
but take you out and where’s the heat?
where’s the breeze?
where’s the cool?
i always said you were a warm day
and what am i
when you’re taken away?

of course, the same as i always was
backwards and frontwards and no less
no less

=

learn. 


Jul 7

world stopped

the world stopped
and i got off
stepped out onto a blue swaying platform
no shoes apparently
cold thin ice under the feet
which i can’t see for smog
or smoke
fake sheets of hot air there
but can feel the currents
pushing against and up and over
over down away i go
pushing at my neck
with a big fat fucking fist
head down
back aches
world stopped and thought gone
breath gone
head gone
heart beat
whatever that is
heart beat full
veins pushing out
creaking at the sides
like a spanner in the works
or a block in there somewhere
pushing pushing
pushing
pu-
shing-
out-
stop-
now-
please-
stop??

andiamallicanblameforwhatforfuckingwhat? 


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