February 2011
1 post
speak back
vague daydreams of you coming home coming here holding me helping me while i’m missing you kissing me to sleep whispers of love on your lips and laughs easing my soul and untying this constant knot today maybe tomorrow where you’ll be seas away again and again and again why can’t you stay or make me feel safe in the simplest of ways? on the smallest of days i will grow out my...
November 2010
2 posts
Count down
I have to count up count up to ten every now and then I do or wait until the clock ticks even out so i can breathe again and think clear and not be seething smoking through the teeth and out the ears cool off count up or down feel the breeze and feel at ease even if I need to scream the house down count down count the pieces of heart I have not left, but right all right and round and smooth enough...
keep me sweet
you inspire poetry in me music and colour flowing like wine or water and growing like fruits still ripening waiting for the ruin praying for rain to hold hold? or fold in not to strain but to wash clean and keep me sweet colourful and bright and peaceful at night.
October 2010
2 posts
pure and simple and true
love like a flower on the brink brink brink of blooming came crashing down on me like a house with only one window and my heart in that place somehow survived and its beat beat beat kept me alive in all that rubble with only me crumbling me stumbling and i did all this myself i did it myself and to myself to fix the mess that that fire caused the interior damage wallpaper scraped off carpets blown...
lovesongspeak
i think honestly that you and i were meant to be everything endlessly endlessly as far out as the sea lead me to you and you to me and I will keep you now for as long as i can to show my thanks to whatever deity sent you so carefully so lovingly impossibly into these aching these mistake making arms and this arching heart it was gone before i didn’t understand but now i do. all along, it was...
July 2010
2 posts
nus eht semoc ereh
what it is to not have you a gaping hole in the ground in my chest where i can see the insides hollow shell red raw and not at all like before you’re like the sunrise, so rare so beautiful and new and old and never new at all always around just on the wrong side to be without you is to be with you because I am still alone yes we are alone and together trapped side by side in our shells but...
world stopped
the world stopped and i got off stepped out onto a blue swaying platform no shoes apparently cold thin ice under the feet which i can’t see for smog or smoke fake sheets of hot air there but can feel the currents pushing against and up and over over down away i go pushing at my neck with a big fat fucking fist head down back aches world stopped and thought gone breath gone head gone heart...
June 2010
1 post
eventually it dies
twist twist up twist out twist around twist through twist through you and up and out like the shape of your mouth in a kiss twist screw up those lips don’t let me through let me through let me go let me breathe
and eventually? eventually?
Eventually we all die and our love will too lingering softly softly-harshly-hardly hardly in our memories any more no stones, say no stones now and somehow...
April 2010
1 post
Can’t go forward Can’t go back Can’t just switch to a different track And I can’t ask you how you feel
Can’t stop shaking Can’t stand still Can’t seem to get control of the wheel And I can’t tell you how I feel
I think it’s alright to fear The prospect of being so near Will I fall at your feet or into your arms? I think it’s too soon to...
March 2010
1 post
kill the lights
kill the lights kill sound shut it all on down close it all on off like a wave of bad news and hit me with it so i can lie lie lie lie lie my face off and get it out the shame the hurt the real the real echos of what has been and the shame of what can never be or what could have made me what i’m not i’m not so alive any more tense as a board and no more open than the way a body lives...
February 2010
3 posts
party animal
heart sits in mouth and barely beating i swallow it down to get stuck in the pipes and eroded by acid and there is no hole big enough now to fit it in or calm it down or hold it gently don’t smash it out don’t beat it up don’t even touch it sits there swollen and bruised by the very memory of you how easily one can forget when the party’s over and you are not the injured...
capsize, anyone?
i’m as bad as the sails on a ship self torn holes in them so that no-one can get off or pass by because there is no land any more and no water touches my lips though i float god, i wish to crash to capsize and heave over to take the ocean in pint by pint as it folds me down in its bodied embrace sinks me slow until i hit the bottom and have nowhere else to go.
denial
i do a bad job of convincing myself that there’s nothing nothing there though i know there’s nothing good in the idea maybe because maybe because i know
you and i have something in common we are both bad for me
and you completely wrong for me and yet this hushed want that beats like a pulse the thrill of the adventure the thrill of the touch, of temptation
there is nothing there is...
January 2010
1 post
for both of our sakes
i know you’re probably not listening since i stopped being your kind of thing but she’s not exactly a big surprise with her brown hair and dark eyes
in any case i just wanted to say i’m sorry for the pain you never felt in any case i honestly paid every fee in every way and my heart is beating but still it shakes so I am sorry for both of our sakes
i know your apathy is coupled...
December 2009
2 posts
pompeii
the chill takes me at night makes my extremities into lightning bolts makes me an alien i don’t really know myself sometimes the dark clouds on over covers up the stars and hovers down like fog or the way clouds sit over hills so low and i crouch to avoid them kneel curl up lie flat and face down and they swallow me cover me in dust and leave me there and it feels like eternity
but really...
The Stars Around Your Head
Hey there mister Where are your manners? Where is your gallantry? Did you forget to remember That I’m a lady underneath The crash helmet I wear on my head?
Were you there through the blows Through the smoke Through the heat? Were you there? Did you see me struggle to my feet? Could you tell there were bruises? Can you see the scars? Or are you distracted by the stars around your head?
Hey...
November 2009
6 posts
clack clack stamp stamp
all i want right now right now is a typewriter so i can cut my words in a new way clap them down cut out the image so that i might touch the hurt and it should not bleed at least not too much i could punch angry as a child yelling into a ground where soft spoken words could maybe calm me that is in some other world “this shell is a problem” i can hear them say “what happened to...
the hour hand
where the leaves fall and the wind blows and the pavement crunches is where i am not is where i am now inside in the mock warm without comfort without the chill breeze but in my chill arms me just me once again insides crying like a baby outsides just cold the way progress seems sometimes i go nowhere i go nowhere again and again and again i thought time was more than the ticking of hands and the...
haiku #1
a world of bright lights the little hole where I creep both lonely as hearts.
bad timing
the curse upon her lips was like a rose petal worn down the way they get so soft so flimsy and so tired just wanting to be ripped and thrown to ground i could never bring myself to kiss them the way i maybe would have liked and the stones caught under my feet as if in punishment no i could never be the one with enough courage or at least the one there at the right time which is the way isn’t...
the way you leave
I could be the way you leave the whisper on the lack of breeze in your life the lights blink out blink out look up like a girl waiting to find that sudden meeting does she ever stop waiting? the unexpected is hoped for the way you leave sun rising washing over slow water glints in the mountains far away from the wintry streets where the cold hits like a stone at the windows already boarded up...
obselete
catapulted forward into a life i wanted and there is you my living nightmare the flame that blew flicker making the ink spin and the wax spill off making my heart beat faster as yours threatens silence don’t don’t run too hard stay a while see this new me unveiled like some old furniture which was always there underneath the sheets but would not be noticed until and is this my time?...
October 2009
6 posts
Whisper
When the wind comes in Whispering sin I try to escape Through the walls with my fingers clasping fast I am prey to your grasp
I cannot let myself sink
The pull is a puddle With stone on the ground to conceal no deeper well can spin so hard and the hurry spins my head your eyes nothing spectacular sparkle now and run away where are they now? while the little boy swaps with man takes their place...
suspense
my heart lives there in a body i barely know excitement fear hope it races against salmon in the mountains against the maillot jaune against the big cats in the plains and wins one could say and one day perhaps it will bloat and pop and deflate settle slowly down the way fish rise up when dead to shift on the top of the water that’ll be it that’ll be all a broken balloon on the water...
time
the way it rolls around fat and hungry sometimes it takes you by surprise and you need it to time…
seconds or hours? they seem to stretch and bend as they please laughing at us or crying with us it all depends how heavy it’s feeling that swing to and fro and the glasses of wine it consumes how many times it has to push its glasses back while you consume and consume you know the way we...
eye to eye
pulling myself away again you won’t mind you don’t know how could you? as if my eyes didn’t tell enough what do you meet them for? cups of tea to talk about my folly those bragging whores giving me away they are not my father and the truth is not theirs but my beauty is apparently shame registers with those two the twins whose sin is to show all slick with it they give me away...
the perfect match
a box of matches and in there one to light my candle to let it burn to tell me things and soothe me to sleep to burn my hands to take me home and on and on without the fear of screwingitallup i could live with this box forever never opening it or never choosing always waiting deciding decoding i wish he could just slide on out walk on up kiss me on the lips and i would know just how it felt to...
white lies & roses.
he lied to me or bent the truth told me why and the lies became the way he “never wanted it to be” inside me there is a question mark curling up at my stomach and sticking out and through like barbed wire i caved far too easily i know to you and him and them but i didn’t know how best to spend the dull hours’ ticks before the third call he said “would you like to fall...
September 2009
7 posts
open heart surgery
Hand on heart or rather open chest ribcage raw insides pulled away to reveal what’s left that sorry mess that shriveled prune barely moving and that’s what i’m here for to find out and teach me how to love with the gloves off somebody? all i can show is this grim facade in which i rip it all open again just to see just to see if it just to see if it might come to life over and...
vertigo
a fear of falling ‘cause that is one loooong jump into the fluffy carpet of lurve before they whisk it from your reach and propel you to the spiky rocks below yes, i have vertigo and yet i love those rollercoasters that leave you hanging upside down for hours on end if you’re unlucky i shy away from those kinds of bars where men will try it on i don’t like to think i could fall...
jupiter
i am that blinking light so full of it and empty but not like the sky
like the earth the way if you crack the surface deep enough hard enough look hard enough and there’s nothing a big resonating nothing a hole the size of the world and if you fell in you would fall forever and when you stopped you would break yourself into a million pieces and become the light vacant eternal fucking...
well
the stones thrown into my well of a heart they fill it up like tears into a paper cup that breaks like a storm hit like rocks attacked by waves or maybe not those things always seem so flimsy i guess but they’d break with one look at the mistakes i seem to constantly make and the questions i ask underneath the web underneath the pile at the bottom somewhere surrounded in green the questions...
secrets
secrets and lies the parents of strangers tying us all together the secrets that hang like tears on my lips and tickle my stomach in that unpleasant way the secrets hanging on my neck and pulling me down where i can feel the kick of their slick hits. ouch.
tear tastes
sometimes i cry for no reason a confession at last i guess nobody knows except the ones who do it too i don’t know why but my eyes hurt so and i feel the tears roll out and down slow and i can’t get this taste out of my mouth one like no other sick and full of doubt and this ache in my chest where i would not like hands because it seems i have become allergic to any touch that comes...
How Could I (lyrics)
My new flame That old game I should have known that you’d be back The way I Feel inside And you think you’re the one under attack
My heart is like fire Fueled only with desire And if I should want you Who am I to turn to?
You made me hate you, darling How could I love you, darling? How could you leave me wanting? How could I love you, now? You left me somersaulting Feels like my...
August 2009
10 posts
old lady heart
listen to my heart and the fear induced and the rage given to me by you sweet thing just a boy and yet you waged that war on my heart the poor undeserving only loving wretch the one that walks in rags now singing crooning for lost love not even yours how it cries at the memory of the pain and the hurt it feels heavy and empty with the rest of me red and that old lady blue like she got froze in the...
mountain
the curses on my hands are spilling over and dripping down like the blood on her wrists and the air in their lungs it feels so sweet when you’re on the top of the mountain before you fall all the way down again the shapes of their eyes they change like the spiders took them over or they got hit on the ledges maybe i am twice your age now or looking down from some sort of weird heaven that...
City Living
For some reason, being alone seems to make sense when you’re in a city. It feels good to pound the streets alone, to explore new territory and make discoveries, and it doesn’t seem to matter that there’s nobody else to think about. It’s nice going to shows or the cinema by yourself, or into galleries and museums. I guess it is a little bit like going into yourself and...
metaphor whore
your love is another cancelled train a car running out of gas an invalid passport leaving me stranded and empty-handed on the platform of my life
your eyes are a unique colour a suspicious shade like a snake-blink or a broken-off branch cruel and harsh a black hole sucking me in always
your face is the only image left other than you know the way things felt once i know it by heart all the...
An Elephant's Business (Lyrics)
Once again, you and me In a room that’s not made for three And the elephant’s getting A bit too big to breathe a whole lot
And you fail to see The stillness in me
‘Cause I’m jumping all the time And my mind it buzzes with thought I’m full of soul and I’m nothing if not made of heart
But you look away And what can I say?
I’m an open eye Always searching for something to learn You’re an inward...
for want
oh my heart the corked bottle the way it shakes in the night the hours too long and its sleep too light the beat a heavy thud in my chest i crave rest or courage or something strong to help me, you know, get along… it is green at the edges and torn and frayed like paper or stone eroded and cracking away like a cliff edge where nobody dares to stand and i am the signs that warn people off...
beginnings
you you are like the star in my sky; so close and yet so far
you you are like a bug in my eye; you sting and i can’t find you to get you out
you you just strike the fear in my heart; that i might actually fall in love again
oh god what can come of all this?
you you are the one thing i am afraid of; the light, the dark, your touch, your kiss, your kill
you you could plunge a knife in my...
bugs
the smoke that’s rising from your lips is no longer the water in your mouth you fire off words to cut and cut cut your own heart and i wonder why and how you think you could hurt somebody else when it’s all you you you it’s only you alone i feel bad i feel sad for you that you cannot be happy is not an option in your world of hate that’s how you feel anyway but one day...
the heart still breathes
the heart still breathes somewhere underneath quietly disturbing the leaves in the forest of my chest just for a second like the crickets cheeping flies buzzing you only know if you get close and
you can hear everything like it was liquid filling your ears and trickling down your neck pooling in your collarbone you know the way those tears do and how they make you feel like you’re...
Power Cut (lyrics)
There’s a hum over London And the light’s too bright to see outside It’s hard not to be lonely When you’re in the middle of it all There’s a flickering streetlight And my heart is thinking “I’m so blue That one day I’m gonna follow you ‘Cause my light is artificial too”
Well I can’t complain It just gets hard to keep the windows...
July 2009
6 posts
Honesty, bodies and spinsters
Hello self
Think it’s time
For some sort of intervention?
I have become
Something I should not be
And god knows how
But I’m sure he sat back and laughed
Taking in the scene
Or sulkily stomped out
His will denied
For free will will taunt him, you know
If that’s what he wanted
In any case
It’s not how you felt
Which is once again called into question
As I am treated as though...
a follower
i woke up Today and said i suppose i am going to have to follow suit or not as you might think dear reader i suppose there will have to be a link as is the norm when it comes to conformity it’s bound to happen at some stage that tiny sly crack where you see that originality is kind of impossible so with a wink and a sigh you comply but maybe in different ways than a person might suspect who...
Echoes.
You swirl in me like a forgotten dream, like a photograph confused, cursed out by the folds in your wallet and made blank again as though parts were left undeveloped. I suppose that’s why I still write about you. I have to know, to find out for myself what the details were, the incidences, the stories that lead us to this.
I took you in my arms, and I told you that I loved you.
...
spun
i turned around once again on the hour and you can never know what this means the curls of your hair a rare sight to be certain when has she seen them? more often than me? these things are normal these thoughts are fine i can be ok in love one day with my hands behind my back and nothing to lose whatever to gain who can say?
Would it be so bad
I’ve been waiting again to see you Do I want to? I don’t know But if I do, Would you be so kind As to not show?
I’ve been wanting again And those feelings Never amounted to very much I’ll just stick to the gin And a barely sarcastic blush
I think you stopped thinking of me a long, long time ago Would this thing be so bad if you too were on your own? Would it be so bad if my heart came...